SCENE 1
(The
apartment on stage is very colorful and ugly. Walls are painted obnoxiously;
the couch is very old and tacky. There are boxes all over and maybe a dining
room table somewhere. There is a couch, coffee table, and a side table towards
the center of the room. Keys are heard jangling off-stage. We hear a man’s
voice.)
TIM
(Off
stage)
Now remember, I
got a really good deal on the place.
SARAH
How bad is it?
TIM
(Entering)
It’s just…
colorful.
(He
flips on a light switch)
SARAH
What do y—
(As
the apartment is illuminated, Sarah stops talking. She doesn’t know what to say
and TIM, full of luggage, nudges her from behind.)
SARAH
Oh, sorry.
(She
moves and continues to stare at her surroundings.)
TIM
Was all of this
really necessary?
SARAH
Apparently not.
TIM
I’m sorry.
SARAH
I know.
TIM
Then why do you
seem angry?
SARAH
I’m just…tonight
isn’t really working out.
TIM
Why don’t we
just get into bed—
SARAH
We would be in a
nice bed right now if you ha-
TIM
Looked at the
hotel. I know, and I’m really sorr—
SARAH
I know!
TIM
Then why are you
still upset?
SARAH
You didn’t even
demand our money back.
TIM
I tried talking
t—
SARAH
Not very hard.
TIM
We could have at
least stayed the night.
SARAH
There was hair
all over the bathroom.
TIM
Not that much.
SARAH
There were
bedbugs!
TIM
Look, it’s late.
We’re tired. Let’s go to bed and I’ll call the hotel in the morning.
SARAH
I’m gonna unpack
a little first.
TIM
It’s after
midnight!
(After
a look from Sarah he goes in the kitchen for water. Sarah starts unpacking but
after a moment her face screws up and we can tell she smells something foul.)
SARAH
Oh my gosh. Did
you do that?
TIM
Maybe. Something
I ate at the reception hasn’t set well.
SARAH
That’s disgusting--I
can’t believe you!
TIM
What?
SARAH
Why didn’t you
go in a different room?
TIM
What’s the big
deal? You’re my wife now.
SARAH
For less than
twenty-four hours!
TIM
My parents
always fart in front of each other.
SARAH
That’s horrible.
TIM
You can’t tell
me your family didn’t do that.
SARAH
Mhmm. If we
needed to pass gas we went into a different room.
TIM
Sometimes it
just sneaks out!
SARAH
Inappropriate.
TIM
Look, I’m sorry.
It’s not a big deal in my family…
(TIM
walks quickly into their bedroom. He walks back out after a few moments with a
sheepish look on his face. He goes to help SARAH unpack and they continue in
silence for a few moments. SARAH suddenly smacks her hand over her nose.)
SARAH
Seriously Tim?
TIM
I went in a
different room.
SARAH
Well it followed
you out!
TIM
My stomach feels a little better now.
SARAH
You’re disgusting.
TIM
Sorry.
SARAH
(beat) Well why don't you help me? (Gesturing toward the
boxes.)
TIM
Can't we just go to bed?
SARAH
Are you tired?
TIM
(Going over to SARAH and kissing
her neck.)
That's not the only reason for going to bed.
SARAH
(Shrugging him off.) No.
TIM
Come on, why not?
SARAH
You pass gas in front of me and then expect me to be in the
mood?
TIM
I dunno.
SARAH
It's not happening right now.
TIM
Later?
SARAH
Just help me.
TIM
Okay.
(He opens a box and looks then
pushes it to the side. He looks at the next box then pushes it away. He does
this two more times.)
SARAH
What are you doing?
TIM
They're clothes.
SARAH
And?
TIM
They're yours… I'll just unpack something else.
SARAH
Just put the clothes away!
TIM
I don't know how you do your clothes.
SARAH
Tops go on hangers, bottoms get folded.
TIM
Alright...
(TIM takes one box into the
bedroom. He comes back after a moment with a wad of fabric knotted around a
hanger.)
TIM
I don't understand your clothes.
SARAH
Tim!
(SARAH goes over and untangles
the mess, showing a long sleeve open front wrap with extremely long tails in
the front.)
SARAH
You put it on the hanger like this.
(Puts it on the hanger so the
front tails are draping down.)
then you put this on the opposite side.
(Grabs one of the tails and pulls
it up and loosely hangs it over the hanger on the opposite side.)
then do the same with the other one.
(She does the same thing with the
other tail draping down.)
TIM
(Sarcastically) Oh yeah. I don't know how I missed that.
SARAH
Just unpack something else.
TIM
Thank you.
SARAH
(Staring at what is in the box she
has and pulling out two nerf guns.)
Tim? What’re
these?
TIM
They're nerf guns!
SARAH
I know, I meant why do you have them?
TIM
Cause they're fun!
SARAH
They're kids toys.
TIM
Haven't you ever played with one?
SARAH
No.
TIM
You poor deprived child. Here (Handing her one of the guns)
SARAH
How does it work?
TIM
You just put one of the darts in it. Pull the lever then
pull the trigger.
SARAH
Okay. (Shoots once) whoa… That’s kinda fun.
(She looks at TIM slyly and then
shoots him with a dart.)
TIM
Oh, it’s on!
(Nerf gun war ensues. SARAH trips
over the couch at one point and it puts an end to her fun.)
SARAH
That hurt.
TIM
You okay?
SARAH
I’m fine.
TIM
Ya sure?
(TIM approaches SARAH to make sure
she is okay. As she starts leaning up to kiss him he shoots her again. She’s
upset and the moment immediately becomes awkward.)
SARAH
Where’d you get this ugly couch anyway?
TIM
Came with the apartment.
SARAH
Of course it did.
TIM
What’s that supposed to mean?
SARAH
Nothing.
TIM
Right.
SARAH
It’s just… never mind.
TIM
No. What?
SARAH
Well…
TIM
Yes?
SARAH
I told you to look for a nice apartment.
TIM
This is a good apartment.
SARAH
It’s ugly.
TIM
It’s not that bad. Besides, you weren’t here to help me look
at places.
SARAH
I wanted to.
TIM
You could have made it work.
SARAH
My family really wanted me to stay with them.
TIM
You could have gone out after we found a place.
SARAH
My sister had surgery.
TIM
Plastic surgery!
SARAH
You wouldn’t understand. And I asked you to send me
pictures.
TIM
What do you mean I wouldn’t understand? And I would have but
I had to make a quick decision.
SARAH
A quick decision… Our families are entirely different!
TIM
I got a good deal on the place and you mean your family can
afford plastic surgery and mine can’t.
SARAH
Affording it isn’t the issue. The fact that my family even
gets it is the issue. And sometimes it’s better to pay a little more for
something nicer.
TIM
It’s within my budget… You aren’t going to want plastic
surgery are you?
SARAH
So what if I did? And we could put some of my paycheck
toward the rent.
TIM
We need to start saving. You don’t need plastic surgery!
SARAH
That’s not what I asked. But we could’ve had a nicer
apartment.
TIM
We will later. If it was a necessary plastic surgery then we
could talk about it.
SARAH
Necessary plastic surgery? And just how much later are we
talking?
TIM
Enough about plastic surgery! I don’t know how much later.
SARAH
My dad offered to get you a job tha—
TIM
I would have hated that job.
SARAH
You’d earn so much more.
TIM
I like my job.
SARAH
I know. But…
TIM
But what?
SARAH
Nothing.
TIM
No, it’s not nothing.
SARAH
It doesn’t matter.
TIM
Why do you do this?
SARAH
What?
TIM
Stop talking.
SARAH
Because it doesn’t matter.
TIM
Obviously it does.
(SARAH turns back to the boxes and
starts looking through them.)
TIM
What’s wrong with my job?
SARAH
Nothing. You’re helping people, right?
TIM
Trying to.
SARAH
Then there’s nothing wrong.
TIM
Just say what you want to say.
(SARAH doesn’t respond.)
I’m doing the
best I can.
SARAH
Maybe it’s not enough!
(TIM is obviously hurt and doesn’t
respond. SARAH realizes that she has gone too far and is unsure of what to do.
TIM starts looking through boxes then exits to the kitchen. SARAH looks around,
trying to figure out how to make him feel better. Her eyes come to rest on the
box of toys that had the nerf guns in them. She lights up and heads over to the
box.)
SARAH
Tim!
(He re-enters and stands there.
SARAH doesn’t say anything as she rifles through the box a little more. She
looks up and finally speaks.)
SARAH
You said you learned a new magic trick…
(She pulls out a deck of cards)
You haven’t shown me yet.
(She holds the cards out to TIM
who lights up and comes to sit next to her.)
TIM
Okay. Do you want to shuffle them?
SARAH
Alright.
(She takes the cards and shuffles
them a few times.)
TIM
Okay, now cut the deck a few times.
SARAH
Mhmm.
(There is a ‘Is this your card
trick.’ They should ad-lib during the card trick. Towards the end of the trick
TIM should flip over some of the deck of cards and then pause as he is about to
flip over another one. The conversation continues at this point.)
TIM
Okay. If the next card I flip over is your card, then you
owe me kiss.
SARAH
Alright. But if it’s not, you help me unpack.
TIM
Deal.
(They shake hands and then he
flips over her card. She snatches it up to make sure it is her card.)
SARAH
Awesome. How’d you do it?
TIM
A magician never reveals his secrets.
SARAH
Oh, that’s right.
TIM
Now, about that kiss.
(TIM sits back, waiting for her to
kiss him. She finally leans in and kisses him and he starts nuzzling her neck,
going for more. She pulls away.)
You know this is okay now.
SARAH
I just…
TIM
I waited like you wanted. We’re married…
SARAH
What if you don’t like my body?
TIM
Are you kidding? You’re gorgeous!
SARAH
You’ve never seen me without clothes.
TIM
We could fix that.
SARAH
This just isn’t how I pictured it.
TIM
Things usually never are. Just go with it.
SARAH
I’m sorry.
TIM
What is it?
SARAH
I dunno.
TIM
You are beautiful. You have nothing to worry about.
SARAH
We’ve waited this long. Can we just… wait a little longer?
TIM
(Reluctantly) Yeah.
SARAH
I’m sorry!
TIM
No, it’s fine. I like waiting, waiting’s… great.
(Beat)
I’m hungry. Are you hungry?
SARAH
Seriously?
TIM
We haven’t eaten in hours!
(TIM wanders off-stage and he soon
returns with a box of cereal. He sits down on the couch and starts chewing
loudly. SARAH has begun unpacking some more.)
SARAH
Must you chew so loud?
TIM
I’m not.
SARAH
Yes, you are.
TIM
I’m chewing like I normally do.
SARAH
No.
TIM
Yes.
SARAH
Whatever.
(SARAH returns to unpacking some
boxes but is obviously increasingly annoyed with TIM’s chewing.)
SARAH
Why don’t you put milk in it?!
TIM
We don’t have milk.
SARAH
You were supposed to pick some up before the wedding.
TIM
I know.
SARAH
You forgot?
TIM
What do you think?
SARAH
Go get some milk.
TIM
Are you kidding?
SARAH
Does it look like I’m kidding?
TIM
Where am I supposed to go?
SARAH
Run to the gas station at the corner for all I care, but for
my sanity, get some milk.
TIM
Alright…
(SARAH is ruffled as TIM puts on
shoes and slowly leaves. He’s still a bit confused. She locks the door after
him and takes in her surroundings. She cringes and starts going through boxes,
finding a beautiful lamp, throw pillows, etc. Throughout this part she should be muttering to herself and
talking to herself about how frustrated she is, how ugly the apartment is, how
she’s frustrated with herself. She looks at the coffee table and has an idea.
She rifles through a box and puts a tablecloth/sheet over the coffee table. She
sets up a few candles all nice and stands back, admiring her work. She moves to the couch and rearranges
the pillows, tries putting a sheet over the couch, etc. She gets upset as
things don’t look good together and she ends up stubbing her toe. She drops to
the floor and sees the hideous rug, She tries pulling it up but soon realizes
that it is nailed down. She starts scratching at the rug and hyperventilating.
She wraps her arms around herself and starts rocking back and forth. She should
look disheveled and pitiful at this point. TIM is heard unlocking the door and
when he comes in he is not holding any milk. He stops when he sees SARAH and
the state of the apartment.)
TIM
Sarah?... Sarah? Are you okay?
SARAH
(Looking up) Where’s the milk?
TIM
It closed about fifteen minutes ago.
SARAH
Of course it did.
TIM
I can go somewhere else if y—
SARAH
No, no it’s fine.
TIM
Are you okay?
SARAH
I’m fine.
TIM
Are you sure—
SARAH
Oh I’m sure. I live in a hidous apartment and my wedding
night is ruined. I’m fine.
TIM
It’s not that bad. And it’s our wedding night.
SARAH
And it’s ruined.
TIM
I’m sorry, what can I do for you?
SARAH
(After a silent moment) I’m going to take a shower.
TIM
Right now?
SARAH
Of course!
TIM
Oh… May I join you?
SARAH
Absolutely not.
TIM
Why? It’s our wedding night.
SARAH
Because I’m showering.
TIM
And?
SARAH
I said no.
(TIM backs down and SARAH rifles
through a suitcase and pulls out a bathrobe, shampoo, body wash, etc. She walks
into the bathroom and closes the door. TIM looks after her and shakes his head.
He grabs his deck of cards and starts playing with them. The bathroom door
opens and SARAH comes out slowly.)
SARAH
How do you get the shower wand to stay up on the wall?
TIM
Oh I forgot! It broke the other day when I was showering.
SARAH
What?
TIM
I called maintenance to come fix it. That’s really
frustrating that they haven’t come out to fix it yet. I’m sorry babe.
SARAH
How am I supposed to shower?
TIM
You just have to hold the showerhead with one hand and do
everything else with the other hand.
(SARAH just stares at Tim incredulously.)
TIM
I know it’s really annoying. I’m really sorry. I tried
fixing it myself but I just don’t have the tools to do it.
(SARAH starts to relax a little
more but still doesn’t say anything.)
TIM
Sorry. I’ll call maintenance again in the morning.
(SARAH nods and then heads back to
the shower as she mutters.)
SARAH
I can’t even take a proper shower!
(As SARAH goes back into the
bathroom TIM goes back to playing with his cards. A cell phone rings and TIM
looks around. He spots SARAH’s purse. He stares at it, unsure of what to do. He
finally decides and rifles through her purse until he finds her phone. He is
relieved when he recognizes the caller and answers it.)
TIM
Hey, Tina!… she did?.... she must have texted while we were
driving back… yeah, tonight has not exactly gone according to plan… the hotel
was a little, uh, lacking, so she wanted to just come home… I know, it happened
really fast… thank you!... well she’s in the shower right now… I wanted to but she didn’t want me to… you think so?... Maybe I’ll try it…. Okay,
I’ll tell her you called. Bye.
(TIM sets the phone on the arm of
the couch and ponders for a moment and finally decides. He goes over to the
bathroom door and hesitates then pushes the door open. The door slams close and immediately
SARAH is screaming. We hear a few thuds as she continues to scream at him,
things like, “Get out!” or “Don’t look at me!” etc. TIM comes running out of
the bathroom and shower items are being thrown out behind him. Soon SARAH comes
out in a robe.)
SARAH
What the heck, Tim?
TIM
I just—
SARAH
Just what? I told you not to come in.
TIM
But why?
SARAH
Because!
TIM
Because why?
SARAH
I was naked!
TIM
I know!
SARAH
I don’t want you to see me.
TIM
Look, it’s our honeymoon, isn’t that the point?
SARAH
Not in the shower.
TIM
What’s the big deal?
SARAH
I don’t want that to be the first time you see me.
TIM
I don’t care.
SARAH
I do.
TIM
You’re being ridiculous.
SARAH
I told you no.
TIM
You’re over-reacting.
SARAH
Ooh. You’re driving me crazy!
TIM
I just don’t get you right now.
SARAH
I have every right to be upset.
(Rifling through her purse.)
Where’s my phone?
TIM
(Picking up her phone from the
couch)
It’s right
here. Oh, Tina called.
SARAH
You went through my purse?
TIM
Your phone was ringing.
SARAH
You answered my phone?
TIM
Yeah.
SARAH
Why?
TIM
‘Cause it was ringing.
SARAH
You shouldn’t be answering my phone.
TIM
If my phone was ringing would you answer it?
(SARAH hesitates for a moment and
tries to speak but TIM picks up on it.)
TIM
Right. Why did you tell her you were disappointed?
SARAH
Because I am!
TIM
With what?
SARAH
Everything!
TIM
Everything. Well that’s helpful.
(TIM goes into the bathroom without
closing the door and we hear the sounds of him undoing his belt)
SARAH
What are you doing?
TIM
(He stops) Going to the bathroom.
SARAH
The door’s still open.
TIM
Yes it is.
SARAH
Why is it open?
TIM
(He comes back out with his belt
undone)
‘Cause I didn’t
close it.
SARAH
Why?
TIM
Can I just pee in peace?
SARAH
You can if you close the door.
TIM
Okay.
(He goes back into the bathroom
and closes the door.)
SARAH
Ridiculous.
TIM
(Not hearing her, shouting)
What?
SARAH
Nothing!
(TIM’s phone rings from the
bedroom. SARAH goes into the bedroom and answers it as she is coming back out.)
SARAH
Hello?... Hello?...
(Hangs up as TIM comes out of the
bathroom.)
I think you just got prank called.
(Hands him the cell phone)
TIM
You answered my phone?
SARAH
Of course.
TIM
It’s fine…I just can’t believe you got mad at me for
answering your phone.
SARAH
I had every right to get mad at you for that.
TIM
Then how come I can’t get upset with you for answering my
phone?
SARAH
Don’t try to make me feel bad.
TIM
I’m not! I’m just trying to make sense of you right now.
SARAH
Oh, sorry for being so unsensical!
TIM
You mean nonsensical.
SARAH
Don’t make me feel stupid.
TIM
I didn’t mean to.
SARAH
Yes you did.
TIM
No I didn’t. I would never make you feel stupid on purpose.
I thought you knew me better than that.
SARAH
Maybe I don’t.
TIM
What?
SARAH
My parents were right. We rushed into this.
TIM
We just need to talk.
SARAH
We’re arguing!
TIM
Argue, yell, talk, whatever! Let’s just try to work through
this.
SARAH
When my parents were upset with each other they went their
separate ways for a little while.
TIM
Oh, ‘cause that’s real healthy!
SARAH
I think my parents had the right idea and I think that’s
what we should do.
TIM
You’re not serious.
(SARAH starts toward the front
door. TIM beats her to it and leans against it. She starts to protest but he
just looks at her and gestures toward her robe. She looks down and realizes
that she is just wearing a bathrobe and decides going outside is not an option.
She starts heading for the bedroom but again TIM rushes there before her. He
closes the door and stands blocking it. She tries to stare him down, but he is
more stubborn. She eyes the bathroom and makes a quick dash to it. He is fast on
the uptake and as she is closing the door he gets his foot in. She pushes,
trying to close it before he can get in. He pushes back and she stands there
defiantly. He motions for her to go out. She leaves slowly, glaring, and runs
back to the bedroom. He runs after her and they disappear for a moment. From offstage we hear slapping sounds.
A small conversation is heard offstage.)
TIM
Ow. Stop
hitting me!
SARAH
I don’t want to talk to you.
TIM
Stop hitting m—
SARAH
Hey! No. Put me do—
TIM
Only if you talk t-
SARAH
No!
(When they come back in TIM has
SARAH over his shoulder and she is screaming and hitting him.)
TIM
This may not be how it’s done in your family, but we need to
talk!
SARAH
Just put me down!
TIM
You were the one hitting me.
SARAH
Cause you won’t leave me alone.
TIM
(Putting her on the couch.)
I’m just trying to talk to you.
SARAH
I don’t wanna talk to you.
(SARAH crosses her arms and
slouches. She looks away from him and doesn’t speak. She is breathing slightly
heavily from hitting TIM. There is silence for a minute before TIM gets up and
lights the candles on the coffee table. He turns off the lights and turns on
some music. He goes slowly over to SARAH and offers his hand to dance.)
TIM
May I have this dance?
(She refuses but TIM keeps trying
until SARAH gives in and grabs his hand. They start dancing slowly and a moment
passes before SARAH speaks.)
SARAH
I know I get kinda crazy when I’m upset.
TIM
Yeah, I picked up on that.
SARAH
I’m trying to apologize!
TIM
Okay, I’m sorry.
SARAH
I just need a chance to step back.
TIM
Do you need another step?
SARAH
I’m okay now.
TIM
You’re sure?
SARAH
Yes, unless you keep stopping me.
TIM
Right, please go on.
SARAH
It’s like I just… lose it. It’s like I become a different
person and I am looking at myself and trying to make sense of why I’m acting
the way that I am. I try to stop but this inner monster just takes over and I—
TIM
Babe.
SARAH
And now I’m rambling.
TIM
You’re cute.
SARAH
I… I wish we could re-start the night.
TIM
Why can’t we?
SARAH
Huh?
TIM
We can re-start it here.
SARAH
Umm…
TIM
We’ll leave and come back in and re-start.
SARAH
Are you serious?
TIM
Does it look like I’m joking?
SARAH
I’m not leaving like this.
(Gesturing toward her disheveled appearance)
TIM
We’re just going out to the doorstep.
SARAH
Okay…
(TIM pulls her through the door
and they are heard giggling. We hear the following from off stage.)
SARAH
Ahh, what are you doing?
TIM
Doing this the right way.
(There is fumbling heard at the
door.)
SARAH
You can put me down for a minute.
TIM
No, no, I got it.
(The door opens and they come in
with Tim carrying SARAH in his arms.)
TIM
Welcome to our… ugly apartment. We can fix it up.
SARAH
Sounds wonderful… Hey Tim?
TIM
Hmm?
SARAH
(SARAH leans up and kisses TIM.)
Let’s go to bed.
TIM
Are you tired?
(SARAH stares at him until he
figures it out.)
TIM
Oooooh.
(Lights fade as he carries her
into the bedroom.)
